Enter Scam-man

People. Do not think for one second that anyone considers you intelligent and unusual. You're a number, a predictable sheep, you're easy to read, easy to market to, easy to suck in.

I saw the new 'green coke' at my local supermarket this week. And now the ads are flooding into my news feed on fb.

It's coke jim, but not as we know it! It's healthy, natural, from-a-green-leaf coke.

It's still a chemical shitstorm people!! It doesn't even contain cocaine, which i would consider a reasonable excuse to consume the stuff.

Speaking of shitstorms, the school holidays are done for another quarter. I consumed some very empty calories in the form of coping wine and wine-soaking food over the last fortnight. Back to green smoothies, sautéed kale and gelatin treats for me. I actually missed eating well. I also missed taking a shit between 9-3 without anyone watching. All back to normal now folks.

That is all. 

Sh*t today's mothers need to know

Over the past weekend I've been a little ticked off. This is partially due to the higher exposure to little people (directly attributed to the sadness known as 'school holidays'), and partially because I'm hacked off most of the time.

But these holidays it's actually parents who are shitting me to tears. Parents who clearly need their heads surgically removed from their arses.

Example A: on Good Friday we took a few 4-6 year old whinging bastards to a restaurant for $140 worth of fish and chips (perth hospitality, you SUCK). We selected this location due to its inbuilt Ronald McDonald style playground set up directly adjacent to the drinking, ah I mean eating area.

The kids were chasing each other with forks and the usual good humour when four hulking great twelve year olds showed up and took over tiny town.

Now I'm all for survival of the fittest. But these kids had a combined weight of a grand. They were menacing all the little buggers on the playground which doesn't really matter except for the fact that THEY STILL ASK THEIR PARENTS TO RESCUE THEM! And this cut into valuable wine time.

Parental lesson: if your child is taller than the climbing frame then he has NO BUSINESS being on it.

Example B: Meanwhile, at the other end of the spectrum we have New Age 50-year old mummy of first child.

At an Easter Fete kindly sponsored by the local clap-happy church (yes we DID guess there were 666 jelly beans in the jar and gave fake phone numbers to have the word dictated to some close 'friends' instead of us), a mum decided to take her five month old baby on the jumping castle.

Let me set the scene: four thousand chocolate-pumped spawn of overly enthusiastic Christians and dodgy freeloaders (mostly us) all chest bumping and wildly flailing limbs and this crazy idiot decides to carry on a BABY and try to jump around with him. 

I did not know it was possible for a baby to look properly bored until last Saturday. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is making faces at any kid who jumps in any direction while she attempts to stay standing holding fifteen kilos of bored baby.

Parental lesson: don't be a dick.

There endeth the sermon. Happy holidays mummies (and daddies) - may your days be filled with activities that tire your children and your nights be stocked with vodka supplies. Also- stop eating your kids' eggs- you're literally getting fatter just contemplating it...

So #elite right now...

Hey y'all.

I was informed by someone to whom I am married that my last post was a bit conservative for me.... So today I'd like to correct the imbalance by posting shit from my brain cavity without the filter button pressed firmly into place.

On Saturday 21.03.15 I did Crossfit Open WOD 15.4. I did NOT do the handstand push-ups and collarbone breaking stuff - I just did the good old 'pick things up and put them down' one (aka scaled). I nailed it. I did it in thongs, I ate a few grapes and half a banana, drank a few mouthfuls of coffee, changed my headband and still managed 60 reps in the allocated time.

Yeah I guess you busted me - I wasn't really trying - I was just getting a taste of the weight so I could give the girls from our box some support and advice as they did the workout.

I'll tell you why I was so half-arsed: I never really liked the Crossfit Open. I have just never seen the point. I'll admit I was attracted to Crossfit by watching the magnificent athletes at the Crossfit Games, achieving great feats of strength and wishing I was half as #elite as them.

But in reality, these athletes really are elite - they are representative of about 0.5% of the Crossfit population. They train 5-6 hours a day. They are born with natural ability. They are strong, tough and resilient but they are also genetically predisposed to physical greatness.

Now don't get your knickers in a twist. I am about to say why I LOVE the Open this year...

Last year I saw people gutted because one single movement undid them and they couldn't even post a score of '1'.  After all their hard work and commitment, one little rep broke them into pieces. I don't think this is a good approach to fitness.

Not only does it erode confidence in oneself, it defeats the purpose of exercise - to MOVE.  Let me be clear for a minute: IF YOU ARE CONTINUALLY PUNCHING ABOVE YOUR WEIGHT YOU ARE EITHER GOING TO HURT YOURSELF OR QUIT. If you quit you're hurting yourself too - mentally and physically.

So why do I love Crossfit then? I'm up here bagging out the main act of the show - what positive statement could I possibly offer? For me, Crossfit is about raising the bar. And I believe that GOOD Crossfit is about raising it in INCREMENTS. It's about the little wins that add up to a huge feeling of accomplishment. It's about trying and never giving up. It's about laying it all out on the floor (without compromising your physical health through poor form and technique). It's about getting faster through continuing to show up. It's about getting stronger by continually working on your form without chronically injuring yourself.

The Opens this year are inclusive! Hallelujah! The other 99.5% of us have a chance of moving, feeling a bit broken and actually ACHIEVING something! A sense of pride, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being part of something bigger than our individual selves. We can compare notes, support one another and break a sweat.

F*#k your elitism. I'm here to have fun.

Don't fence me in

So this week I've been chatting to people about 'Paleo' and every time I do I cringe a tiny bit because I hate a label.

I like the idea of blending the best of many styles to find my own eating 'template' - one that suits my health goals, fits my budget and doesn't turn me into a social leper or obsessed monster.

With that in mind, I'm going to share my thoughts about Paleo- what I like, what I don't. But my opinion is just that: mine! Yours could be quite different!

Reasons I like Paleo: 

It makes sense to me to avoid overly processed foods and environmental toxins,

I like to eat meat, I think it's essential to health,

Fat makes things taste good,

Dairy makes me itchy and nauseous; and

Many grain-based foods give me 'preggo-belly' and 'zombie-brain'.

Reasons Paleo sucks: 

It sounds like a cult, 

There are very few restaurants in Perth that cater to Paleo requirements,

Fake food ('paleofied') is just an inferior substitute with its own myriad issues; and 

Sometimes you just need a little bit of rice or oats or cheese and there ain't nothing wrong with that.

Over the coming weeks I am going to review a couple of diet protocols and share my experiences with each. I'd love to hear yours too!

The Bitch is Back

Well, it's been a REALLY challenging couple of years for this tough little mother. Sorry for the extended absence!

In brief, by the middle of 2014 my depression had returned, my excess weight had returned and my motivation had completely left the building. I was unemployed, exhausted, miserable and unhealthy. My love for Crossfit was gone, my interest in healthy eating? Gone. I was one big old zombie mumma.

Around September of last year I started coaching at an all-female Crossfit box for a friend of mine.  I was filling in and helping out for a short while, certain that I had little to offer her members given my lack of fitness and my staggering weight gain.

Well wouldn't ya know? Turns out I got a job at the best Crossfit box in the world. Starting at this box reminded me about all the things I loved about Crossfit. The girls appreciated that while I may not look the part, I had knowledge, experience and passion- which are actually far more important than looks anyway.

In February of this year we kicked off our annual Fit Fab Feb (6 weeks strict Paleo and crossfit challenge) and I was quite unwillingly dragged into participation by our head coach and box owner, Sim. I wasn't ready to give up giant lattes and hot chips, but my doctor felt differently. I'd been abusing pain medications for nine months to help me sleep. My immune system was shit. I was constantly in pain or exhausted. This was all taking a huge toll on my body and my weight was edging up towards the 100kg mark. I needed a reality check.

I threw myself into Fit Fab Feb wholeheartedly. I didn't cheat (for fear of penalty burpees for my team). Very soon, I remembered how to cook Paleo food. I started to enjoy looking after my body again. I was reminded of how good I felt two years earlier and I was motivated to get myself back there.

I had personal success in the challenge with a good reduction in body fat. But more importantly, I rediscovered my passion for helping others achieve their health goals. I'm convinced that if I can do it, so can they.

I'll be updating regularly on here again and sharing on Instagram. I'm so thrilled to be here.

The bitch is back, baby.