Enter Scam-man

People. Do not think for one second that anyone considers you intelligent and unusual. You're a number, a predictable sheep, you're easy to read, easy to market to, easy to suck in.

I saw the new 'green coke' at my local supermarket this week. And now the ads are flooding into my news feed on fb.

It's coke jim, but not as we know it! It's healthy, natural, from-a-green-leaf coke.

It's still a chemical shitstorm people!! It doesn't even contain cocaine, which i would consider a reasonable excuse to consume the stuff.

Speaking of shitstorms, the school holidays are done for another quarter. I consumed some very empty calories in the form of coping wine and wine-soaking food over the last fortnight. Back to green smoothies, sautéed kale and gelatin treats for me. I actually missed eating well. I also missed taking a shit between 9-3 without anyone watching. All back to normal now folks.

That is all. 

Sh*t today's mothers need to know

Over the past weekend I've been a little ticked off. This is partially due to the higher exposure to little people (directly attributed to the sadness known as 'school holidays'), and partially because I'm hacked off most of the time.

But these holidays it's actually parents who are shitting me to tears. Parents who clearly need their heads surgically removed from their arses.

Example A: on Good Friday we took a few 4-6 year old whinging bastards to a restaurant for $140 worth of fish and chips (perth hospitality, you SUCK). We selected this location due to its inbuilt Ronald McDonald style playground set up directly adjacent to the drinking, ah I mean eating area.

The kids were chasing each other with forks and the usual good humour when four hulking great twelve year olds showed up and took over tiny town.

Now I'm all for survival of the fittest. But these kids had a combined weight of a grand. They were menacing all the little buggers on the playground which doesn't really matter except for the fact that THEY STILL ASK THEIR PARENTS TO RESCUE THEM! And this cut into valuable wine time.

Parental lesson: if your child is taller than the climbing frame then he has NO BUSINESS being on it.

Example B: Meanwhile, at the other end of the spectrum we have New Age 50-year old mummy of first child.

At an Easter Fete kindly sponsored by the local clap-happy church (yes we DID guess there were 666 jelly beans in the jar and gave fake phone numbers to have the word dictated to some close 'friends' instead of us), a mum decided to take her five month old baby on the jumping castle.

Let me set the scene: four thousand chocolate-pumped spawn of overly enthusiastic Christians and dodgy freeloaders (mostly us) all chest bumping and wildly flailing limbs and this crazy idiot decides to carry on a BABY and try to jump around with him. 

I did not know it was possible for a baby to look properly bored until last Saturday. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is making faces at any kid who jumps in any direction while she attempts to stay standing holding fifteen kilos of bored baby.

Parental lesson: don't be a dick.

There endeth the sermon. Happy holidays mummies (and daddies) - may your days be filled with activities that tire your children and your nights be stocked with vodka supplies. Also- stop eating your kids' eggs- you're literally getting fatter just contemplating it...