Enter Scam-man

People. Do not think for one second that anyone considers you intelligent and unusual. You're a number, a predictable sheep, you're easy to read, easy to market to, easy to suck in.

I saw the new 'green coke' at my local supermarket this week. And now the ads are flooding into my news feed on fb.

It's coke jim, but not as we know it! It's healthy, natural, from-a-green-leaf coke.

It's still a chemical shitstorm people!! It doesn't even contain cocaine, which i would consider a reasonable excuse to consume the stuff.

Speaking of shitstorms, the school holidays are done for another quarter. I consumed some very empty calories in the form of coping wine and wine-soaking food over the last fortnight. Back to green smoothies, sautéed kale and gelatin treats for me. I actually missed eating well. I also missed taking a shit between 9-3 without anyone watching. All back to normal now folks.

That is all. 

Sh*t today's mothers need to know

Over the past weekend I've been a little ticked off. This is partially due to the higher exposure to little people (directly attributed to the sadness known as 'school holidays'), and partially because I'm hacked off most of the time.

But these holidays it's actually parents who are shitting me to tears. Parents who clearly need their heads surgically removed from their arses.

Example A: on Good Friday we took a few 4-6 year old whinging bastards to a restaurant for $140 worth of fish and chips (perth hospitality, you SUCK). We selected this location due to its inbuilt Ronald McDonald style playground set up directly adjacent to the drinking, ah I mean eating area.

The kids were chasing each other with forks and the usual good humour when four hulking great twelve year olds showed up and took over tiny town.

Now I'm all for survival of the fittest. But these kids had a combined weight of a grand. They were menacing all the little buggers on the playground which doesn't really matter except for the fact that THEY STILL ASK THEIR PARENTS TO RESCUE THEM! And this cut into valuable wine time.

Parental lesson: if your child is taller than the climbing frame then he has NO BUSINESS being on it.

Example B: Meanwhile, at the other end of the spectrum we have New Age 50-year old mummy of first child.

At an Easter Fete kindly sponsored by the local clap-happy church (yes we DID guess there were 666 jelly beans in the jar and gave fake phone numbers to have the word dictated to some close 'friends' instead of us), a mum decided to take her five month old baby on the jumping castle.

Let me set the scene: four thousand chocolate-pumped spawn of overly enthusiastic Christians and dodgy freeloaders (mostly us) all chest bumping and wildly flailing limbs and this crazy idiot decides to carry on a BABY and try to jump around with him. 

I did not know it was possible for a baby to look properly bored until last Saturday. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is making faces at any kid who jumps in any direction while she attempts to stay standing holding fifteen kilos of bored baby.

Parental lesson: don't be a dick.

There endeth the sermon. Happy holidays mummies (and daddies) - may your days be filled with activities that tire your children and your nights be stocked with vodka supplies. Also- stop eating your kids' eggs- you're literally getting fatter just contemplating it...

So #elite right now...

Hey y'all.

I was informed by someone to whom I am married that my last post was a bit conservative for me.... So today I'd like to correct the imbalance by posting shit from my brain cavity without the filter button pressed firmly into place.

On Saturday 21.03.15 I did Crossfit Open WOD 15.4. I did NOT do the handstand push-ups and collarbone breaking stuff - I just did the good old 'pick things up and put them down' one (aka scaled). I nailed it. I did it in thongs, I ate a few grapes and half a banana, drank a few mouthfuls of coffee, changed my headband and still managed 60 reps in the allocated time.

Yeah I guess you busted me - I wasn't really trying - I was just getting a taste of the weight so I could give the girls from our box some support and advice as they did the workout.

I'll tell you why I was so half-arsed: I never really liked the Crossfit Open. I have just never seen the point. I'll admit I was attracted to Crossfit by watching the magnificent athletes at the Crossfit Games, achieving great feats of strength and wishing I was half as #elite as them.

But in reality, these athletes really are elite - they are representative of about 0.5% of the Crossfit population. They train 5-6 hours a day. They are born with natural ability. They are strong, tough and resilient but they are also genetically predisposed to physical greatness.

Now don't get your knickers in a twist. I am about to say why I LOVE the Open this year...

Last year I saw people gutted because one single movement undid them and they couldn't even post a score of '1'.  After all their hard work and commitment, one little rep broke them into pieces. I don't think this is a good approach to fitness.

Not only does it erode confidence in oneself, it defeats the purpose of exercise - to MOVE.  Let me be clear for a minute: IF YOU ARE CONTINUALLY PUNCHING ABOVE YOUR WEIGHT YOU ARE EITHER GOING TO HURT YOURSELF OR QUIT. If you quit you're hurting yourself too - mentally and physically.

So why do I love Crossfit then? I'm up here bagging out the main act of the show - what positive statement could I possibly offer? For me, Crossfit is about raising the bar. And I believe that GOOD Crossfit is about raising it in INCREMENTS. It's about the little wins that add up to a huge feeling of accomplishment. It's about trying and never giving up. It's about laying it all out on the floor (without compromising your physical health through poor form and technique). It's about getting faster through continuing to show up. It's about getting stronger by continually working on your form without chronically injuring yourself.

The Opens this year are inclusive! Hallelujah! The other 99.5% of us have a chance of moving, feeling a bit broken and actually ACHIEVING something! A sense of pride, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being part of something bigger than our individual selves. We can compare notes, support one another and break a sweat.

F*#k your elitism. I'm here to have fun.

Don't fence me in

So this week I've been chatting to people about 'Paleo' and every time I do I cringe a tiny bit because I hate a label.

I like the idea of blending the best of many styles to find my own eating 'template' - one that suits my health goals, fits my budget and doesn't turn me into a social leper or obsessed monster.

With that in mind, I'm going to share my thoughts about Paleo- what I like, what I don't. But my opinion is just that: mine! Yours could be quite different!

Reasons I like Paleo: 

It makes sense to me to avoid overly processed foods and environmental toxins,

I like to eat meat, I think it's essential to health,

Fat makes things taste good,

Dairy makes me itchy and nauseous; and

Many grain-based foods give me 'preggo-belly' and 'zombie-brain'.

Reasons Paleo sucks: 

It sounds like a cult, 

There are very few restaurants in Perth that cater to Paleo requirements,

Fake food ('paleofied') is just an inferior substitute with its own myriad issues; and 

Sometimes you just need a little bit of rice or oats or cheese and there ain't nothing wrong with that.

Over the coming weeks I am going to review a couple of diet protocols and share my experiences with each. I'd love to hear yours too!

The Bitch is Back

Well, it's been a REALLY challenging couple of years for this tough little mother. Sorry for the extended absence!

In brief, by the middle of 2014 my depression had returned, my excess weight had returned and my motivation had completely left the building. I was unemployed, exhausted, miserable and unhealthy. My love for Crossfit was gone, my interest in healthy eating? Gone. I was one big old zombie mumma.

Around September of last year I started coaching at an all-female Crossfit box for a friend of mine.  I was filling in and helping out for a short while, certain that I had little to offer her members given my lack of fitness and my staggering weight gain.

Well wouldn't ya know? Turns out I got a job at the best Crossfit box in the world. Starting at this box reminded me about all the things I loved about Crossfit. The girls appreciated that while I may not look the part, I had knowledge, experience and passion- which are actually far more important than looks anyway.

In February of this year we kicked off our annual Fit Fab Feb (6 weeks strict Paleo and crossfit challenge) and I was quite unwillingly dragged into participation by our head coach and box owner, Sim. I wasn't ready to give up giant lattes and hot chips, but my doctor felt differently. I'd been abusing pain medications for nine months to help me sleep. My immune system was shit. I was constantly in pain or exhausted. This was all taking a huge toll on my body and my weight was edging up towards the 100kg mark. I needed a reality check.

I threw myself into Fit Fab Feb wholeheartedly. I didn't cheat (for fear of penalty burpees for my team). Very soon, I remembered how to cook Paleo food. I started to enjoy looking after my body again. I was reminded of how good I felt two years earlier and I was motivated to get myself back there.

I had personal success in the challenge with a good reduction in body fat. But more importantly, I rediscovered my passion for helping others achieve their health goals. I'm convinced that if I can do it, so can they.

I'll be updating regularly on here again and sharing on Instagram. I'm so thrilled to be here.

The bitch is back, baby.

Out of the box and back into boxing

So yesterday was my birthday... (pause for requisite cheer, respond with polite nod etc etc).

It's been sweaty-balls 40-degrees hot over here in Perth for the last few days.  And I have no airconditioning in my living room. So I decided to bake! Genius, I know.  But it was worth it! For one of my bake-offs I decided to go all 70s retro and make devils on horseback. Yummo. Just slice up some bacon (streaky bacon, cut each piece in half) and wrap it around some pitted prunes, stick a toothpick in, bake on 180C 20-30 mins until bacon is crispy and voila! Remember that prunes used be plums so you shouldn't eat more than about three of them at once....

And I took my first ever boxing class at 6am on my birthday.  It was pretty fun and less overwhelming than I expected.  I'll be taking more from this weekend and getting some official qualifications on Friday so I guess you can say I'm a boxing instructor now?!

I'm glad I'm boxing again (a pastime I've enjoyed for over a decade) because a couple of weeks ago I had to give up my CrossFit gym membership and 'leave the box' for now.  Yep, I blog about CrossFit and I live for the stuff but the real world has collided with the ideal and I've come out a bit battered and bruised.  I have a lot to say about 'forging elit(ist) fitness' but this is not the forum.  However, I will say that I feel CrossFit should be more accessible (but then I'll be arguing against a very logical point about the cost of having a bunch of coaches looking out for your physical interests versus being left to your own devices and getting injured etc and I'm way too tired for that talk).

At first I was really gutted, but now I am determined to work around this challenge.  I bought a 16kg kettlebell and joined a gym the 1970s forgot to take with them when they ended... But it has a lot of barbells, dumbells, space for skipping and rowers. It also costs $10 per week and has a free creche Monday to Saturday mornings. And spin bikes on which to hurt my bum and gyney for hours... aaahhhh... the spin bike.....

Anyway - I'm very nervous about 'being out on my own' and not having someone tell me what to do with my workouts every day.  It will be challenging to stay motivated and keep myself on track, as it has been for my diet since I moved here.  I have still been cooking a lot of Paleo meals, but when my financial situation started getting very bleak very quickly I started to comfort-eat a LOT of dairy and sugar....

My philosophy is one of acceptance.  If I have made some poor choices I need to acknowledge it and move on... I don't believe there is anything to be gained from wallowing in guilt, panic and anxiety.  So I'm just going to take it one meal at a time and get back in the saddle, even though I'm certain that everything really does taste better with icecream.....

Which brings me to the point of 'special occasions'.  For Valentine's Day, aka 'the day after my birthday', my son brought home a couple of the least-Paleo biscuits on Earth. But he made them - and bless, there was a little note attached.  I'd be a psycho if I didn't give him the satisfaction of trying to eat his half-melted, slightly burnt little pink pieces of floury hell.... Do the world a favour and don't be a food psycho... have a little something 'unhealthy' on special occasions (unless it literally gives you the shits... then PLEASE do not eat it FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!).

Gassius Maximus

Back to the CrossFit obsession soon.... time for a foodie post.

So I've been fermenting my own foods a bit these days.  And I've also been tooting my own horn, if ya know what I mean... The kids are finding that pretty hilarious. Might take me a week to get used to all the fizz in mah belly methinks.

Home-made Apple Kefir - the fizzy gettin' bizzy in mah belly

I got into the idea of fermentation not long after I started on the path of eating Paleo.  I became pretty obsessed with the idea of having nothing processed in my diet and that meant considering things like packaged vitamins and probiotics.

There's a lot of information about the benefits of probiotics available these days. But it makes sense to me to try and access these valuable organisms in the most natural way possible, rather than blindly trusting some company that shoves my little critters into capsules at a factory somewhere.

A friend told me, in secret, that she fermented her own food. She's pretty bloody 'normal' so that encouraged me to explore the idea.  Ivy from Paleo in Melbourne often featured fermented products in her blog and, again, I was intrigued.

But then I saw pictures of crazy looking jars and detailed and lengthy instructions and caveats and too much friggin' hard work frankly.

Well last week I gave it a go. I made sauerkraut.  I followed my own version of my friend's recipe (see below) and left the single jar of goodness on a shelf for 5 days, patiently waiting for something magical to happen. And guess what? It did! Bloody deliciousness.  My next project is pickled carrot and daikon - just trying to get the sugar balance right (sugar is mostly eliminated through the fermentation process but not entirely).

The other thing I tried was apple kefir (see above).  I added one sachet of kefir to a bottle with a stopper ($1.50 at Ikea), along with approximately 300ml of organic cloudy apple juice and topped up the bottle with water. I left this mix on the kitchen bench for 24hrs then refridgerated.  The result tastes like apple cider without the buzz.  I have managed to make another four batches by retaining half a glass of the mixture in the bottom of the bottle and re-doing the other three steps.  This mix is cheaper than buying a bottle of organic fizzy and a half a dozen probiotic capsules and it took less than 10 seconds to make. 

Here's my version of Sarah's Sauerkraut.....

1 large green cabbage - thoroughly washed and dried

2 x Granny smith apples - peeled and shredded in grater

1 teaspoon of raw honey

Himalayan Crystal Salt 1 teaspoon

1 sachet Body Ecology starter culture

1. Sterilise a mason jar ($4 at Ikea) in boiling water for ten minutes

2. To make starter mix: mix honey, culture starter, ½ cup filtered water

3. Set aside some big clean cabbage leaves. You will leave these as seals for the jar

4. Get a large bowl. Slice cabbages and add to the bowl. Scrunch the cabbage to try to bruise it (did this a couple of times)

5. Mix in all the ingredients together, scrunching. You may need to do a few batches depending on the size of your bowl. Don’t forget the salt.

6. Pack it tightly in the jar. Pour in starter culture mix.  DO NOT GO HIGHER THAN 3CM FROM TOP OF JAR.

7. Push it all down and pack it in as much as you can.  Make sure liquid covers all ingredients. Add filtered water if required.

8. Place cabbage leaf on top to ‘seal’ the veggies in

9. Firmly secure lid of jar and place on tray to catch any overflowing juices. Put in a dark place – i.e. in the cupboard with a towel on it.

10. Leave 3-5 days for crunchy, 10 days for softer texture.  DON’T OPEN WHEN FERMENTING.

Once fermented place in fridge. After opening jar, keep ingredients moist.  Stored correctly unopened cultured veges last 5 months in fridge and opened for 6 weeks.