Stupid dieting crap I've done (yay!)

I was reading a great Paleo blog yesterday about ridiculous diets we put ourselves on and it got me thinking about my eating history. 

So although this isn't original, I've done a few different diets so I thought I'd take my own stroll down chubby-struggle lane...

The 'beat up your mates for Twisties' diet

 

Bless my mum - she loves me very much but her own weirdness with food was passed on to me at a very young age, starting with the 'no junk food' mantra at home.

There's something to be said for 'normalising' junk food by not forbidding it or spitting at it when you pass it or telling small children that Satan will spring forth from the Tim Tam and such. My mum never allowed me to eat things like Twisties... so when I opened my lunchbox and saw another effing banana sandwich on wholemeal bread I generally tended to tell a random play lunch mate to 'hand over the Twisties and I'll be your best friend'.  Twenty minutes ain't a long time to have to hang out with the dude that smells like poo. I mean, it's Twisties, FFS.

The 'I'm going to hell but it's worth it' or 'Chocolate Sleeves' diet

No chocolate in the house, no pocket money = sneaky chocolate bar up the sleeve.  This was around age 13... On the way home from school I would be consumed by a deep passionate desire for the good stuff with the purple wrapping.  Desperation, oversized school blazer, excellent bullshitting skills all made for an easy theft.

I am paying for my sins through a 15 month age-gap between my two children. Ask someone who knows. It's horrific.

The 'I can't believe it's not food, oh wait, yes I bloody can' diet

Nutrisystem.  Nommy nommy powdered sweetener and powder with sweetener. I think the main reason I lost so much weight on this diet is because my body was rejecting the alleged food matter and starving itself in protest.... I was around 15 when I was on this diet.  It still exists in the United States. God help The America.

The 'trust me, I'm a doctor' diet

Again, Mum - cheers. Love you.

In my late teens I gained some 'study weight' which I actually probably should have attributed to 'beer, burgers and bongs'. But whatevs.  My mum offered for me to go and see her 'wonderful doctor', a local GP who specialised in weight loss. He was very good. All I had to do was severely restrict my calorie intake.  Oh yeah, and do some speed cos it's not natural to just starve yourself (pfft!).  30mg of 'Duromine' a day did wonders for the size of my bum but nearly destroyed my sanity and personal relationships. Oopsies.

The 'finger food at a bogan's 21st' diet

Okay so this was supposed to be Atkins but I frankly couldn't be arsed eating cucumbers and lettuce so I just ate a lot of cheese and kabana off toothpicks.  I was training in Taekwondo 5-6 times a week back then - this was a sheer desperation 'need to drop a weight division' stunt. I got kicked in the head for the first time in my life about 2 weeks in and decided to eat a kilo of pasta a day for the following two weeks to correct the balance of the universe...

The worst-most-disgusting-crap-thing-ever-not-even-a-diet-why-did-I-do-this!?

A certain 'liver-cleansing' expert had a clever book with great advice, including 'detox your liver by drinking a glass of olive oil'. 'Mix it with citrus juice to make it more palatable' - I was told. 'Sure' I complied.... I don't know if you've ever tried to drink orange juice in cup full of olive oil but I can tell you from experience it's possibly the worst and most revolting thing you ever could do to yourself, aside from trying to bleach your own anus whilst inebriated.

Oh yes- and any weight loss was directly attributable to the incessant post-drink vomit.

It's not always crazy...

To be fair, I have tried 'normal' diets like Weight Watchers and had some success. It was always short term though - there was always a 'cheat' factor or a bunch of rules that were very restrictive or obsessive. I've also tried various exercise programs and techniques that either left me feeling exhausted or very bored.

It wasn't until I found CrossFit and Paleo eating that I managed to create some lasting change.

I'll be coming up on one year since I started on my current journey so I'll post some photos and statistics soon.

Meh.